Princess Peach Criticizes Fat Princess

Posted by Carmello, September 20, 2009

"I've been captured at least a hundred times, and you don't see me packing on the pounds," said a catty Princess Peach. In her size 0, pink dress, Princess Peach is the poster princess for any would-be captor. "I know I still look good. Why else would Koopa still be gettin' at me?"

Peach, 28, has been a struggling princess for many years. "King Koopa always kept me on a pretty short leash, so I was never able to exercise," panted Peach as she galloped briskly on an ElliptaGlide, "In those situations it's all about diet."

Fat Princess has been packing on the pounds since being captured, but for her, it is not as simple as diet and exercise, "If I don't eat they'll take me away! It's a defense mechanism," pleaded the fat, Fat Princess, "It's not as simple as it was in her day. Being a princess demands so much more out of you."

Princess Peach understands FP's (Fat Princess) point, but does not agree. "As long as you have a good man to protect you, getting captured doesn't matter!," Peach addressed with indignity, "these new princesses bounce from man to man, and that's the real problem."

As obesity increasingly grows as a rising killer in our nation, Fat Princess shows no shame, crying to her servants, "More Cake, Please!"

Rookie Marine Bombs Joke - 3 Soldiers Dead

Posted by Frad, September 20, 2009

"I really thought it might just perk up everyone's spirits," explained Private Jack Perez of the UNSC. "But apparently everyone's panties are too bunched up from being on this stupid campaign for-- what's it, like, two weeks now? Jesus."

The nineteen year old Humboldt, CA native put the lives of his entire platoon in danger, including Master Chief, crucial seconds before execution of a rescue mission in the city Voi.

"I'd been wanting to use this joke the entire campaign," recalled Perez, "so right before the pelican doors open I said to him, 'Sir, you dropped your smile,'" retold a bemused Perez. "Totally eases up the vibe every time I've done it."

Rather than lightening any mood, Perez' comment caused a crucial lull in the timing of the mission. "He turns around and is all, 'what?' And starts looking around on the ground, and now I have to repeat myself, and I'm noticing that you can't even see his face through that helmet anyways and I'm feeling like a real jerk by this point, and then [Cpl. Stanley] Williams got hit." Perez' platoon attracted heavy Covenant sniper fire while still inside the Pelican ship and lost three soldiers in the attack.

"Yeah, I'm still learning when to keep my mouth shut, but I mean, sure we're fighting an interplanetary war and all but we gotta remember to smile and have fun every once in a while, right?" added Perez, whose other antics include wearing his marine cap sideways and repeatedly crouching over enemy corpses.

Ryu Considers MMA Career

Posted by Carmello, September 18, 2009

"It seems like the logical next step," said Ryu with Xyience energy drink in hand. "I guess I just got the MMA fever." His once traditional dojo now stands as a UFC shrine, garnering TAPOUT posters and pinned up pictures of legends such as Randy Couture and Chuck Liddell. "Street fighting just isn't paying the bills like it used to."

Dana White had this to say about the zealous Ruy; "He may be the toughest guy at the bukkake, but he's no MMA fighter." White's tone brimmed with indignation. "I've seen him do a couple of throws, but he's got absolutely no ground game. He won't be fighting in the UFC."

Despite the nay-sayers, Ryu remains hopeful. "I'm a brand name and I can shoot fucking fireballs. Who wouldn't want me?"

Ryu has yet to receive any offers from the many MMA organizations. He is currently training for his next Street Fight against Ken the Eagle.

PaRappa Causes Scene at Video Game Music Awards

Posted by Carmello, September 17, 2009

The joy and elation of last Sunday's Video Game Music Awards was shunted by PaRappa the Rapper after he interrupted GLaDOS's acceptance speech for Best Female Song, "Still Alive."

"I was really excited because PaRappa was on stage...and then I kind of wasn't excited anymore." The moment was ruined as PaRappa unexpectedly appeared on stage to take the microphone from GLaDOS and say, "I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but UmJammer Lammy has one of the best songs of all time." He promptly gave the microphone back to a stunned GLaDOS. UmJammer Lammy shook her head in disapproval, and seemed to be embarrassed by the stunt. She could not be reached for comment.

In related news, deaf audiences react adversely to the closed captioning of PaRappa's comments that read "Circle-Circle-Triangle-Square," when they should have been "Circle-Circle-Triangle-X." The station has offered a swift apology and are looking into the matter.

Arkham Patient Sleeps Through Batman Visit

Posted by Carmello, September 17, 2009

"I must have been really tuckered out," commented Arkham Asylum patient, Wilhelm Matchstick. "I've been told that there was a lot of hootin' and hollerin' going on, but I just didn't hear any of it." For the one night only visit, Batman fought his way throughout the Asylum, causing rioting, violence, and mayhem. "You know, out of all nights to fall asleep, it had to be the one that Joker was coming," he lamented, "that's so me."

"I had spent the previous 24 hours straight finishing season 2 of Lost on Blu-Ray," said Wilhelm, "From what I hear there were a lot of opportunities to escape, but then how would I get to finish seasons 3 and 4. I had to get caught up."

Wilhelm sustained no injuries during the Batman incident and is set to continue his lifelong sentence. "Just as well," Wilhelm admitted, "I have an unopened Kids in the Hall box set I still need to dig into."

Soldier Distraught Over Throwing Knife

Posted by Carmello, September 16, 2009

"At first I thought I'd been knifed like usual, but then i realized it was something much worse." F0URZER0TW0 tells us about his campaign as an OpFor. "I just really didn't expect to die that way," he admitted. "It felt worse than getting killed by martyrdom." Analysts fear that this problem can only get worse. "That was the first I'd ever heard of it, but since then everyone's talking about it," a team mate told us, "I think it's going to get big."

Although we still can't be sure how many lives will be lost to throwing knives, amidst the threat of soldiers spotted dual-wielding pistols, and controllable missiles, the battlefield will only get worse for people like F0URZER0TW0:

"I felt like such a noob."

Lars Umlaut Speaks out on Performance with Cobain

Posted by Carmello, September 16, 2009

"We are all pretty creeped out," the once towering figure slumped down and said with reverie. It was this night that famed guitar hero, Lars Umlaut, was faced with one of the biggest, and most disturbing moments in his career. "I mean, Casey [Lynch] told me we'd be playing with someone, but we just didn't know who," he goes on to say, "I should have known it was going to be bad by the set list."

Lars was scheduled to perform two songs, Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name," and "Bring the Noise 20xx" by acclaimed artist Public Enemy. "It just seemed like an odd set-list in the first place." An odd set-list it was, indeed. For a man that has played with the likes of Slash, Tommy Morello, and even Death himself, this performance left him dismayed and distempered. "I don't ever want to perform with the man again. He sold out." Even the crowd's feverish cheers couldn't keep Lars; He walked off stage immediately after Cobain belted out his first lines, "Yeah Boy!"

"I'd rather not be a part of it," ended a regretful Lars, as he wiped off his makeup and got ready to leave.

There is good news, however, as guitar hero, Death, is interested in playing with Cobain.